Well, this guy doesn’t do SHIT.
I’ve never—EVER—seen him at the office past 1:30 in the afternoon. I understand that sales people don’t necessarily work 9 to 5, but come on. He’s always at “meetings.” If by meetings he actually means “a strip club,” well, then fine. He’s also really chatty. I know all about him and his two daughters, one of whom attends Villanova and is on the water polo team, the other whom is still at some private Catholic high school and plays forward for the varsity basketball team. He’s been coaching girls’ basketball forever and he doesn’t care if Girl X hasn’t played but 2 minutes the whole season. Sometimes, you just gotta win. He goes to church every Sunday like a good Irish Catholic. He loves the NCAA tournament and is really “psyched.”
He struts around like a peacock because he’s sold like 6 cheapo signs and some installation time to Donald Trump for his new eponymous monstrosity downtown. He had a meeting with Ivanka and The Donald one day for like 12 minutes about it and thinks he’s spinning yarns by telling me that Ivanka’s “hot” and that Donald has “weird hair.” As if I should be curled up at his feet, enraptured, as he sits in a stuffed leather chair in front of a crackling hearth with a snifter of brandy. Uh, yeah, dude. I know. I’ve seen pictures. Ivanka’s pretty good-looking and Donald’s hair defies reason.
What he would never admit, however, was that he got the Trump account by accident, since the other sales guy was out—you know—WORKING, and so it fell in M’s lap.
His other big account is Sam’s Liquors but, again, not originally his account. My boss had a relationship with their Director of Marketing, who left a company we still continue to do a lot of business with in order to go work for Sam’s.
He’s all about doing mailings which in my opinion don’t work. I don’t know about you, but if I see a piece of mail that I don’t recognize or want, I throw it away. But mailings allow him to sit on his ass, spend money on materials, make everyone else do work for him, and give the impression that he’s motivated and doing something. So I have had to personally send out no less than 2000 envelopes of crap for this guy within the last couple months, which always makes me wonder why exactly I went to college. He wrote a letter to accompany this new flyer and business card which we (I) sent out to about 1000 real estate owners. I swear, it’s so antiquated, so out of touch with the digital age of business and with the tenor of most Americans, if you had told me that this had been uninterred from a time capsule buried in 1952, I wouldn’t have been surprised. It makes me laugh. Then, it makes my cry because this guy probably makes a shit ton more money than I do.
Dear Real Estate Executive…
Hey, I’m a Real Estate Executive! I spend roughly 23 hours on my cell phone a day! I drive a Nissan Altima or better! I never eat! Eating is for the weak! I get up at 4:30 in the morning and go to bed at midnight! Spiders are cool, you know?!? They’re all bad asses, catching prey! If spiders were people, they’d totally be real estate executives! Hey, wait! That’s my phone! Hang on! **mumbling and fake laughter** Oh, snap! I just sold these poor idiots a condo in the South Loop! Little do they know the place looks great but they’ll have to shit in a hole in the parking garage! I never shit! Shitting is for the weak! I’m a Real Estate Executive!
Please take a minute to look at the enclosed promotional brochure…
Oooh, more of that “dot…dot…dot” way to end a sentence! I’m so intrigued! It’s like a movie! Did you see that movie, The Departed?!? That was fuckin’ AWESOME! (It really was. –Ed.)
[Company name] has provided the finest in sign related products and services for four generations!
Oh. Well, that was a little disappointing. What’s a sign related product? What’s a sign related service? Whatever. Four generations?!? Wow, that’s like…a…LONG time. Isn’t it?!? Wow.
Our expertise, attention to details and customer service are second to none.
Second to none? I don’t get it. Is that good or bad?!? Hang on! Phone. **further mumbling, fake laughter, rolling of eyes and gesturing of hands like “wrap it up, already”** Cha-CHING! Another sale! I’m AWESOME!
We try to make the sign ordering process a pleasant experience and try to eliminate many of the hassles that have become commonplace when working with other sign companies.
A pleasant experience? Like 2 chicks at one time?!? ‘Cause let me tell you…THAT is fuckin’ pleasant, even if you have to pay for it.
I don’t like hassles. Hassles are bad. My kids hassle me all the time. The wife’s got the van with the DVD player in the back so they can watch “Cars” for the 3,000th time and they STILL won’t shut up! Fuckin’ kids!
Here is a list of the products and services we provide…
Wow, that’s a LONG list there. You do lots of stuff! I only do one thing: Close. The. Fucking. Deal. ‘Cause that’s all you need. I’m AWESOME!
Check out our new website at www.[blahblahblah].com for more information.
Nah.
Please feel free to contact us to discuss any of your sign related needs. Thank you for your time and consideration. We look forward to working with you.
I’m sure you do! You know why?!? I’m fucking AW—oh! Hang on! Phone! **screeching** No, NO!! NO!!! That is WRONG! FUCK! What are we going to DO?!? Figure it the FUCK out and call me BACK!! **hangs up** Fuck! That fucking BITCH! I clearly ordered ORGANIC coconut tandoori chicken strips but that stupid BITCH of a receptionist I hired ordered me the NON-organic kind! Fuck! She gives great head, though.
Be sure to check out the enclosed price promotion card and mention it when you call to order a banner or an MDO plywood marketing sign!
Wow! That’s in red! And italics! And bold! And it’s larger than everything else! It must be super important! I should probably read it ag—FUCK! PHONE! **calmly** Yes, Gretchen? Uh-huh. I see. OK, nice job. Thank you. **hangs up** Whew! Organic’s on the way!
I’m sorry…what we’re you saying?!?
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