Listening to white people* rap is like...
...finding out that Ashley Simpson is releasing a Nick Drake tribute album.
...watching "hotel" porn: all the good stuff is cut out, leaving only sex faces and man ass.
...lifting a gallon of milk thinking it's more full than it really is, so you practically chuck it across the kitchen with the force of your stupidity.
...realising that the #1 comedy in the country is "Two and a Half Men," on which Charlie Sheen is probably being paid more money I'll ever see in my lifetime per episode to essentially play himself: a sex-addicted, puerile sleazebag who's NOT FUNNY AT ALL.
...being told that a celebrity you admire and/or respect is a Scientologist.
...getting kicked in the chode.
...biting your cheek not once but TWICE in the same spot.
...watching Matthew McConaughey "act."
...Domino's pizza.
...bad, squalky jazz.
...a hangover on a plane heading somewhere you don't want to end up.
...really having to pee while stuck in traffic on the expressway.
...anal rape.
...those stupid "Real World versus Road Rules" shows on MTV. Who watches that shit?
...Celine Dion's mongoose-like face.
...scrambled eggs from Denny's.
...calling Avril Lavigne "punk."
...listening to politicians pretend they give a rusty fuck about you.
Listening to white people rap is like watching white people DANCE. So let's stop. K?
*Exceptions: Marshall Mathers, Michael Diamond, Adam Yauch, Adam Horovitz, and Conan O'Brien. Not that Conan has or ever would, but I think it'd be funny since it'd essentially be the whitest person EVER rapping. So we'll let him.
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