I wear green sweatpants. In public even. With dress shoes and white socks sometimes, if I’m just walking from the dojo to the car after aikido. And I have this nice leather coat that my wife bought me but it’s a couple years old now and it’s been my only winter coat. So it’s a little beat up. And I lost my goddamned black gloves back before Christmas, so I’ve been wearing an old pair of my wife’s. Which are small on me. Not to mention brown. And I also have a nice hat my mother in law knitted me. But it’s a little feminine*. And gray.
So what’s my point? Well, my point is this: I guess I kind of look like a homeless person walking around sometimes.
Just goes to show you how your priorities change as you get older and once you find out you’re going to be a parent.
Probably a month ago I was in the grocery store shopping on Saturday morning, as is my routine. The CUTEST little girl was there, accompanying her brother and father; she was probably 5 years old. She was so damned cute; I just couldn’t take my eyes off her. Made me think about having a cute little girl of my own and how wonderful it would (will?) be to take her with me on mundane errands on the weekends, even if just for company’s sake. But, of course, I didn’t want to stare at her or anything. So I tried to be coy and catch brief looks.
Problem was…she CAUGHT me. She caught me looking at her and I think she got a little freaked out. Of course, I couldn’t say, “Oh, honey…I’m sorry! It’s just that I might be having a little girl of my own and you’re just so damned cute I want to pick you up and swing you around in my arms and think about what it could be like with her!” So I just moved on in the store and got my shopping done and left.
Driving home, it occurred to me: I’ve come pretty far from the person I was in college. Hell, I used to stare at some chick’s rack and try not to get caught. Now it’s little girls. (That sounded bad. You know what I mean.)
*Funny story about this hat. At D’s bachelor party, one of the strippers saw it in the bedroom with the coats and put it on.
“Is this yours?” she asked me.
“Uh, yeah, it is,” I said.
“Wow. I REALLY like it.”
I believe that Man Rule #17B-01.2 reads as such, verbatim: When a stripper expresses any modicum of attachment or attraction to any article of clothing, bauble, trinket or other tchotchke with a retail value of $19.99 or less it is your responsibility as a man to GIVE IT TO HER IMMEDIATELY and THANK THE LORD THAT SHE’S TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN GETTING PAID FOR HER LAPDANCE. But…
“Oh. Well, I’d let you have it but my mother-in-law made it for me.”
She takes it off immediately. “That’s cool. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”
The stripper liked my hat. That’s funny.
So what’s my point? Well, my point is this: I guess I kind of look like a homeless person walking around sometimes.
Just goes to show you how your priorities change as you get older and once you find out you’re going to be a parent.
Probably a month ago I was in the grocery store shopping on Saturday morning, as is my routine. The CUTEST little girl was there, accompanying her brother and father; she was probably 5 years old. She was so damned cute; I just couldn’t take my eyes off her. Made me think about having a cute little girl of my own and how wonderful it would (will?) be to take her with me on mundane errands on the weekends, even if just for company’s sake. But, of course, I didn’t want to stare at her or anything. So I tried to be coy and catch brief looks.
Problem was…she CAUGHT me. She caught me looking at her and I think she got a little freaked out. Of course, I couldn’t say, “Oh, honey…I’m sorry! It’s just that I might be having a little girl of my own and you’re just so damned cute I want to pick you up and swing you around in my arms and think about what it could be like with her!” So I just moved on in the store and got my shopping done and left.
Driving home, it occurred to me: I’ve come pretty far from the person I was in college. Hell, I used to stare at some chick’s rack and try not to get caught. Now it’s little girls. (That sounded bad. You know what I mean.)
*Funny story about this hat. At D’s bachelor party, one of the strippers saw it in the bedroom with the coats and put it on.
“Is this yours?” she asked me.
“Uh, yeah, it is,” I said.
“Wow. I REALLY like it.”
I believe that Man Rule #17B-01.2 reads as such, verbatim: When a stripper expresses any modicum of attachment or attraction to any article of clothing, bauble, trinket or other tchotchke with a retail value of $19.99 or less it is your responsibility as a man to GIVE IT TO HER IMMEDIATELY and THANK THE LORD THAT SHE’S TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN GETTING PAID FOR HER LAPDANCE. But…
“Oh. Well, I’d let you have it but my mother-in-law made it for me.”
She takes it off immediately. “That’s cool. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”
The stripper liked my hat. That’s funny.
3 comments:
I don't think my mom actually made that hat. Haha. You could've scored major points with a stripper.
Hahahaha. I can only imagine how freaked out the little girl was seeing you staring at her - especially if you were wearing your green sweatpants, leather coat, gay hat and women's gloves.
Imagine how your 13 year old cute and precious daughter will refuse to go out with you in public with that oufit on.
You wore green sweatpants back in college. With converse sneakers. It wasn't that I was embarrassed to be with you (heck, I thought I was all alternative girl), but a little embarrassed for you. They made you look curvacious like a girl. Has it not been long enough since we graduated to say that?
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