Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I'm Not Embarrassed Anymore, Dammit

I'm going to admit it: I love "America's Funniest Home Videos." There, I said it. Phew. I feel better.

This may be a shock to some people who know me. I have an extensive CD collection, ranging from The Beatles and James Brown and Allison Krauss to Sonny Rollins and Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane to Beethoven, Bach, Bartok and Szymanowski. I have many erudite books on my shelves and I know how to properly use the word "erudite" in a sentence. My favorite film of all time is "Fargo," followed by others that do not involve dudes getting it square in the nuts.

Mind you, I don't love the inane pre- and post-clip patter of course, nor do I give a shit about who "wins," since it's invariably the WORST video submitted that week* and sure...how many times can you really watch some kid ride his skateboard into a tree and still laugh about it? (Unless it's REALLY funny, of course.) But I'll tell you this: some things are just completely hilarious:

#1: People being chased by birds. Large birds, small birds, lone birds, flocks of birds...it don't matter. It's ALL gold. People freak the FUCK out when a bird (or birds) has got it in for them. It's awesome.

#2: Montages of toddlers or infants sneezing, falling, bumping into things, getting dragged around by pets, laughing, shooting food out their noses or dumping it on themselves, making messes and getting caught, saying cutesy stuff that little kids say because they don't know any better, singing, dancing, accidentally hitting their fathers in the nuts, walking, running, spinning, or playing around in the tub or shower. Kids are cute. I can deal with that.

#3: I once watched a montage of people in those big animal / mascot costumes you would see at Disney World completely losing control of their faculties and falling down or crashing into things and people and--best of all--terrified children screaming. I wet my pants a little it was so funny.

#4: Watching people who clearly shouldn't be doing what they're doing get their comeuppence. It's satisfying to see some idiot guy, precariously dangling off his roof attempting to sheer off a tree limb, fall onto his lawn. Either (1) do it the right way or (2) hire a professional, you know?

Anyway, I'm not going to hide it any longer. Funny's funny.



*The "winning" video is always the single WORST one. Literally. At least half the time, it's some lonely woman prompting her cat to meow its "unusual" meow at the proper time:

[demented cat-freak of a woman]: "Old McDonald had a farm! Ee-eye-ee-eye..."

[cat dressed up like a farmer]: "Meeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww." (which may or may not actually sound anything like "Oh.")

It's just SAD. Poor crazy cat lady.

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