The Parent Trap

M and his wife don't want kids. In fact, this decision factored into their relationship progressing beyond the nascent stages of boy-meets-girl. M and J view kids the way most people view ebola or rats or O.J. Simpson or pond scum or dirty underwear. Needless to say, if you feel that way about kids, do everyone a favor: don't have 'em. So I respect their decision.

However--M mentioned--the idea of having a "little you" running around was quite alluring. You know, someone to do what you do and like what you like and poo-poo that which is summarily poo-pooed by you.

This, however, is what I believe is the true "parent trap." Putting expectations on that which one's children are going to turn out to be is a rocky concept, one which is better left to the insecure, unsure and soon-to-be-living-vicariously-through-their-children-by-screaming-bloody-murder-at-a-little-league-coach type of parents. As long as my kid is (1) happy and (2) not causing anyone else harm as a result of their individual pursuit of said happiness, I'll be like a pig in shit and will feel that I have done my job well. I suppose, though, that there are certain things which are simply musts for my children. To wit:


My children must be able to laugh, not only at that which is funny, but also at themselves. My wife is the funniest woman I have ever met in my life and I consider myself a fairly amusing individual, so the idea of our children not being able to crack jokes or laugh at others' is pretty terrifying.

My children must be able to appreciate beauty. And when I say "beauty," I'm not talking about the Natalie Portman / Jude Law type, nor the pair of shoes or a lamp or some other over-priced piece of crap type. I mean: music and film and art and literature and everything else that makes me happy to be a part--albeit a small one--of this world.

My children must not be judgmental, throw stones and/or feel as though they are in any way better than anyone else. No one likes a person like that.

My children must not be irrationally predjudiced in any way. Sure, we all have our own biases and everything, but I just really hope my future child doesn't become preternaturally fascinated with Stalin or David Duke or someone.

My children must not be douchebags. You know what I mean.

My children must be able to feel empathy for others. Empathy is one of the richest, most imperative and in some ways basic emotions a human being can feel.

My children must be able to make reasonable, intelligent and insightful decisions, even if they turn out to be wrong. I realize that it is up to me to impart on them the knowledge to do so, and I consider it a pleasure. Ask me how it went in like 22 years.

My children must like James Brown. I understand why certain people don't like The Beatles (although I'm always a little suspect of such individuals.) They tire of the fact that everyone and their mother won't shut up about how The Beatles were the best rock/pop band of all time (which they were); about how the combination of their fame, their commerical and critical success AND their contribution to Western music will never be topped (which it won't); about how Lennon and McCartney are probably both in the top 10 greatest songwriters in the Western world (which they are); about how at least 3/4 of Beatles' albums are canonical classics (which, again, they are); about how Abbey Road may be the greatest album of all time (which it is); blahbety-blah-blah. I get it. But someone who just can't GET DOWN to The Godfather? I have no time for you.